Monday, January 18, 2010

I Wish I Hadn't Done THAT

Life is good news and bad news, hilarity and heartbreak, love and loss all back-to-back. I like to blend mine into a swirl that makes me so dizzy I have to laugh. If I can snicker at my lamebrain disasters, then you can too. . . but please join me in laughter only and not the disaster!

I started this new year with a list of ways I would be positive and work extra hard to become the best possible version of myself. As a reminder NOT to repeat my mistakes of yesteryear, I thought it might be helpful to make a list of ways I wish I hadn't fallen, tripped or smashed regrettably into impossible situations. So here are my very own Lori Stories, a/k/a Top Ten Mistakes Not To Make:

1. I wish I hadn’t gnawed a big bite out of the Communion bread by mistake, sneaked it back to my seat and eaten the whole loaf in a panic, bringing Communion to a screeching halt.

2. I wish I hadn’t used a razor to do a tweezer’s job, leaving me with one eyebrow shaved off and forcing me to draw it back on for the next three months.

3. I wish I hadn’t eaten the entire case of candy Red Hots I bought off the Internet, giving me a hideous body rash. . . not to mention packing on five extra pounds.

4. I wish I hadn’t done that body builder’s workout, adding an extra inch to my neck and losing a whole inch off my bust.

5. I wish I hadn’t yelled, “DROP IT MONKEYBOY” when my dog ran off with my socks at the exact same time the garbage man was lifting my trash out of the can. . . and me lamely muttering, “You know I LOVE monkeys??” (Trash man not amused.)

6. I wish I hadn’t dyed my hair all white (by mistake of course), then correcting it to bright Bozo orange. . . trying four more times to fix it until entire chunks of hair broke off at the scalp.

7. I wish I hadn’t gone skiing without lessons, wearing my ski boots on the wrong feet ALL day long. . . in front of friends who never seem to forget anything (and tell everything).

8. I wish I hadn’t worn a tight skirt to the mall. . . with toilet paper hanging down my back like a tail, then waved at people on the escalator who tried to point out the problem (me thinking everybody sure is friendly today).

9. I wish I hadn’t fallen into a manhole, landing on a water meter and then hobbled home. . . dragging one bloody leg like the Bride of Frankenstein.

10. I wish I hadn’t hung up on The White House back when I was a receptionist (thinking it was a prank) saying, “Right, we’re too busy, call back later.”

It sure is encouraging to know that happiness follows suffering after awhile. It even says so in Scripture: “Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning.” I cling to that one, laughing and learning along the way. Just so you know how these disasters turned out: the rash cleared up (eventually), the eyebrow and bald spots grew in (finally), the wounds healed (more or less) and The White House did call back (and I didn't get fired!)

It's taken awhile for me to see the humor in my mistakes, but sometimes I wish these stories just weren't true. Imagine what it's like for me to wake up in a cold sweat, only to realize the dream I was dreaming was actually real? Yeah real funny, as long as you don't mind being a one-eyed, orange-haired, rash-ridden girl with her boots on the wrong feet.


  1. Reading your musings and musterings give focus on how looking on the bright, if not quirky side of things, can turn little disasters into often poignant teaching lessons on the honest pitfalls of life... keeping us interested and entertained and you... endeared.
    Just here for my 3L fix...

  2. Your best one yet!!!!

  3. I am so glad that I am not alone. I realize there are other klutzes in the world, but you have a way with words that makes it seem so much better. LOL. Vicki


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