Talk About A Snow Job

I woke up to a soft blanket of glittery white covering everything in sight. . . Nashville's most beautiful snowfall in years. I immediately took Chopper outside, who used his snout like a snowplow to eat his way through the yard. I found an undisturbed place on the deck where I could gather up the cleanest snow, free of dirt and twigs (or worse), to make my favorite treat: snow ice cream. It all brought back so many warm memories of cold winter days from my youth.

Where my sisters and I grew up in West Texas, the landscape was as flat as a pancake. Whenever it snowed, we had to go to the closest overpass just to find a slope steep enough for us to sled. But with no real hills for sledding, nobody had a real sled either. So the older neighborhood boys improvised one by tying a rope to their Jeep and dragging us around on a trash can lid. . . through traffic! Why we didn't get flattened dead like roadrunners I'll never know. I guess the boys—and us girls too—thought because we were young, we were also invincible. Our parents sure didn’t know about our death-defying adventures. To cover up the truth (and to keep from getting grounded) we told them we were out building snowmen for kids who couldn’t go outside because they were too sickly. Talk about a snow job.

Other times my sisters, my friends and I would hide in the bushes and throw snowballs at passing cars in hopes that they would chase us. As little girls we knew if a car actually stopped, all we had to do was start crying and they wouldn’t tell on us. Talk about a snow job.

The best time for our snowball fights was right after the holidays. All the old Christmas trees were left in the alleys. We would gather up as many as we could find to build forts, using them as our shields. It was all-out war. If anyone asked what we were doing with the trees we would say we were stacking them up to help the trash man. Oh boy, talk about a snow job.

As kids, we got away with quite a few snow jobs. All in good fun, or so we told ourselves. Today I see it more from a heavenly perspective: the innocence of youth as fresh as newly fallen snow, each of us as unique as snowflakes, all drifting our own way in and through the storms. . . those that came and those still yet to come. Like a pure white blanket, Jesus covers our dirt-filled imperfections until we're sparkly clean and all the more beautiful to view. Talk about a snow job! How grateful I am for a forgiving snowfall, grateful for how it covers everything (past, present and future), and most grateful to the One who sends it.

Lost Cat, No Tail

Okay, I admit it: I have absolutely no sense of direction. Some would say it’s because I have no sense at all. I get disoriented quite easily and quite often. I once looped around a drive-thru restaurant and got lost by the time I came out the other side. Then I drove in the wrong direction for thirty miles before I figured out my error. From now on, should I ever get stranded on some deserted highway, I'll be more prepared. I'll put on a few extra pounds so I can survive by living off my fat and always carry a backup supply of emergency snacks. I may forget to bring the maps but I'll never forget the treats.

All my hours spent wandering around aimlessly has given me a heart for the lost. . . literally. The other day when I was walking my dog Chopper I saw this sign posted on the mailboxes:

Lost Cat, No Tail
Missing Tag
Friendly

My first thought was, ‘I need to let everyone know that Chopper had nothing to do with the loss of the tail.' I wondered just how many flyers I would have to write that on! And for the record, Chopper had nothing to do with the cat being M.I.A. He doesn’t have to eat cats: we have those emergency snacks. I must confess, I have eaten his treats by mistake and I'm sure they could hold us over during a starvation situation or a snow day, but they definitely need more sugar.

My second thought was, 'How would I be described if I got lost?' (or should I say when I get lost?)

Lost Redhead, No Tale
Missing Eyebrow
Friendly Unless Provoked (Easily Provoked)

What if I were only described by what I lacked? Hmmm, like my self-control over cheese, my ability to resist a sale, and my not-so-common sense. Yikes. Not to mention how I fall short on patience, kindness, and faithfulness. Whoa, that is harsh. If I want to be described any better than that, I'll need to fast forward to the last impression I leave and work backwards from that.

I'm learning that the best way to produce the fruits of the Spirit in my life is to begin cultivating them in my heart. If I am filled with the fertile soil of love then I truly will be known as loving, and not just in name. What is lost can be found. The end result is a new heart and a new sign:

Found Redhead, New Tale
Still Missing Eyebrow
Friendly, Less Easily Provoked

I Wish I Hadn't Done THAT

Life is good news and bad news, hilarity and heartbreak, love and loss all back-to-back. I like to blend mine into a swirl that makes me so dizzy I have to laugh. If I can snicker at my lamebrain disasters, then you can too. . . but please join me in laughter only and not the disaster!

I started this new year with a list of ways I would be positive and work extra hard to become the best possible version of myself. As a reminder NOT to repeat my mistakes of yesteryear, I thought it might be helpful to make a list of ways I wish I hadn't fallen, tripped or smashed regrettably into impossible situations. So here are my very own Lori Stories, a/k/a Top Ten Mistakes Not To Make:

1. I wish I hadn’t gnawed a big bite out of the Communion bread by mistake, sneaked it back to my seat and eaten the whole loaf in a panic, bringing Communion to a screeching halt.

2. I wish I hadn’t used a razor to do a tweezer’s job, leaving me with one eyebrow shaved off and forcing me to draw it back on for the next three months.

3. I wish I hadn’t eaten the entire case of candy Red Hots I bought off the Internet, giving me a hideous body rash. . . not to mention packing on five extra pounds.

4. I wish I hadn’t done that body builder’s workout, adding an extra inch to my neck and losing a whole inch off my bust.

5. I wish I hadn’t yelled, “DROP IT MONKEYBOY” when my dog ran off with my socks at the exact same time the garbage man was lifting my trash out of the can. . . and me lamely muttering, “You know I LOVE monkeys??” (Trash man not amused.)

6. I wish I hadn’t dyed my hair all white (by mistake of course), then correcting it to bright Bozo orange. . . trying four more times to fix it until entire chunks of hair broke off at the scalp.

7. I wish I hadn’t gone skiing without lessons, wearing my ski boots on the wrong feet ALL day long. . . in front of friends who never seem to forget anything (and tell everything).

8. I wish I hadn’t worn a tight skirt to the mall. . . with toilet paper hanging down my back like a tail, then waved at people on the escalator who tried to point out the problem (me thinking everybody sure is friendly today).

9. I wish I hadn’t fallen into a manhole, landing on a water meter and then hobbled home. . . dragging one bloody leg like the Bride of Frankenstein.

10. I wish I hadn’t hung up on The White House back when I was a receptionist (thinking it was a prank) saying, “Right, we’re too busy, call back later.”

It sure is encouraging to know that happiness follows suffering after awhile. It even says so in Scripture: “Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning.” I cling to that one, laughing and learning along the way. Just so you know how these disasters turned out: the rash cleared up (eventually), the eyebrow and bald spots grew in (finally), the wounds healed (more or less) and The White House did call back (and I didn't get fired!)

It's taken awhile for me to see the humor in my mistakes, but sometimes I wish these stories just weren't true. Imagine what it's like for me to wake up in a cold sweat, only to realize the dream I was dreaming was actually real? Yeah real funny, as long as you don't mind being a one-eyed, orange-haired, rash-ridden girl with her boots on the wrong feet.

Monkeyboy

Words are so very powerful. You can encourage, elevate and enlighten with a single statement. They can also be used in the negative to devastate, discourage and destroy. And sometimes words are used by a lamebrain to set off a mind-boggling sequence of events without any intention or forethought. If you've followed any of my previous escapades, it’s not hard to figure out what category I fall into.

A perfect example would be the day that my dog Chopper ran off with my freshly washed socks. I chased him outside and around the backyard. Chopper thought we were playing a game of tag and (as usual) I was “IT.” The closer I would get the faster the little chimp would run, giggling with his eyes, taunting me in his game of chase. I finally lost my patience after a few dizzying rounds through the patio furniture and yelled out, “DROP IT MONKEYBOY!!!” Unfortunately at the very moment the words left my mouth, in perfect timing like a synchronized swimmer, the trashman was lifting the garbage bag out of my can. I was totally unprepared to deal with the fact that the trashman would think I was yelling at him! We all froze like, well...like monkeys. In my state of shock the only thing I could think to say with a weak little smile was, “I like monkeys??” He was not amused. I couldn't stop to explain myself any further when I had a sock thief to catch.

I wanted to make up for my outburst. I tried to think of a note I could write: “Dear Sir: you are not a monkey. You are more like a bear.” Hmmm, I’m pretty sure that was a compliment but it was just too weird. My second attempt: “Dear Sir: You are doing a great job. I was not yelling at you, I was yelling at my dog.” Nope, I sounded like a crazy lady who yells at sweet little puppies. Instead I decided to try and encourage him the next time he came to my house with a wave, a thumbs up and cheerful chant of “Nice work!” The following week he transferred out of my neighborhood.

After that day I started to think about the consequences of a single statement. Words should not pop out of my mouth randomly like candy from a gumball machine. Psalm 19:14 says “May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing in Your sight. Oh Lord, my Strength and My Redeemer." That says a lot. Meditate on things that are positive, healing and encouraging. Then when the words roll out from the overflow of the heart they are words that bring life and love. I’m a bit more cautious with words now, at least as far as how I use them in my neighborhood. Our mailman’s nickname is Rabbit, but you'll never hear me calling him that!

Creature Comforts

I felt a twinge of sadness this week as I remembered my mother on what would have been her 77th birthday. Even though her passing was 23 years ago, I still miss her all the time. I especially feel her presence at Christmastime. I remember one year when I was a little girl Santa brought me a large wooden dog that walked when you pulled it on a string. The next morning my mother discovered that I had put Santa's gift in the bed to sleep with me. It wasn't exactly comfy—actually it was downright painful—but I wanted to be as close as I could get to my new little friend. Why my parents didn't give me a stuffed animal after that I'll never know.

Yesterday I was so happy to receive a special Christmas surprise from a friend who must really know me. It was a basket filled with wonderful and interesting treasures. The one item that couldn't escape my attention was the cutest little sock monkey which I promptly named Joaquin (seemed like the perfect name to me.) It's funny how receiving something like this transported me immediately back to my childhood. Last night at bedtime I wanted to put the whole basket in the bed with me, just like I did with that wooden dog. (One thing I have learned as a grown-up is not to sleep on hard objects. It can leave a scar, poke an eye out or heaven forbid, create a new wrinkle.) I opted to let the sock monkey—sweet little Joaquin—sleep in the big bed with me and my real-life dog Chopper (strategically on opposite sides of course). I think my mother would have smiled to see that I am still that same little wide-eyed girl with special gifts tucked beside her in bed.

Every year I share the holidays with people I love, creating new memories. I hope I never stop enjoying the gifts of Christmas with childlike wonder. It still amazes me how God uses events of the present to trigger memories from the past, especially those feelings of home that remain in my heart no matter where I am. I may be a grown woman (no snarky remarks please) but I will always be somebody’s child. I was blest with earthly parents who set my heart in motion and a Heavenly Father who will carry me through my days. . .and a sock monkey to remind me not to take myself too seriously.

Happy YOU Year

Every year I pick only one New Year’s Resolution to follow because that way I have to do it. It hangs over me like a cranky schoolmarm ready to guilt trip me if I get out of line. One year I resolved to lose weight, which thankfully, I did! However, I forgot to add the most important part of the phrase: Lose weight AND don’t GAIN weight (which I also did.) By the end of the year I had gained 25 pounds, AND lost 26 pounds which technically kept my resolution and the inner schoolmarm away from emotional eating binges.

The next year I was walking around saying, “I just wish someone would help me come up with a good resolution because poor little ole me is just too tired and uninspired to think of anything.” Then it hit me: I resolve not to be SO manipulative! It worked out well because I had the word SO in the statement to cover me in case I had to weasel my way through an emergency. An emergency like asking the question: “Does this outfit make me look fat?”…which is followed either by a compliment or by finding a new friend… an easy-to-manipulate, complimentary new friend.

This year I resolve to follow what Jesus called the most important commandments: To love God with all your heart and love others as yourself. I am calling it Happy YOU Year. I will say to myself every day: YOU will be the best possible version of yourself. YOU will love more, give more and be more this year. YOU will be the finest possible representative of Christ wherever you are. This year I want to celebrate Jesus all year long. This year will be less about me and more about YOU, dear Lord.