Lamebrain Olympics

Every 4 years I catch the Olympic Spirit. I faithfully watch sports I’ve never seen (and some I’ve never even heard of) to cheer on the best-of-the-best athletes in the world. The television commentators suck me in to the drama with their sentimental stories of how participants struggle to get to the Olympic Games. Like the young man who trained 8 to 10 hours a day (whoa, I thought, lounging from my well-worn sofa). He was a strict vegetarian (hmm, wouldn’t last a week in pork-belly Tennessee). He maxed out all his credit cards to pay his expenses (ding-ding! soulmate, I really get this kid). Now I am tearfully glued to every event wondering if my new “twin” will go for the Gold.

I realize it takes a very select group to qualify for the Olympics. There are the Olympic Games, The Special Olympics, so why not open this up to people on the opposite end of the spectrum (like me) and have Lori's Lamebrain Olympics? Let’s face it, I have a lot of experience. I know I can win a Gold Medal in several categories.

MOST RIDICULOUS SKIING TECHNIQUE
QUALIFICATIONS:
Snow Skiing With Boots On Wrong Feet (All Day)
Running late for the shuttle bus, I managed to slap my ski boots on the wrong feet. I knew something wasn’t quite right, but I couldn’t quite put my finger (or my foot) on exactly what the problem might be. I actually skiied better because instead of my feet sticking out sideways, they pointed inwards with my knees together. It was painful, but that’s what Olympic dreams are made of: agony and ecstasy, Winners and Losers (with a capital L).

WORST OUTFIT FOR A NON-COSTUMED EVENT
QUALIFICATIONS:
Passing Off Pajamas As Party Outfit By Adding A Belt (Futile Attempt)
In my fashion arrogance, I once had a motto called “Put On A Belt, Call It An Outfit”. I thought I could take any drab combination, add a belt and presto, I’m a modeling school candidate (more like a modeling school dropout.) One evening I used my motto to belt my pajamas and wear them to a party. My confidence started to erode when a guy at the party kept yawning at me from across the room. Realizing I was sending the wrong message, I left the party early in a panic, but here's the good news: I was already dressed for sleep.

MOST SOBER YET CONFUSED DRIVER
QUALIFICATIONS:
Driving Wrong Way Up Freeway Ramp (With Sister Screaming)
I try to follow directions closely. When the sign says turn, I turn on the spot. Unfortunately, I turned one turn too soon and drove the wrong way up a freeway ramp with my sister in the floorboard screaming at the top of her lungs. Thank the Lord there were no cars coming toward me and I didn’t have to keep the car on two wheels. I am no longer allowed to drive on unfamiliar freeways (whenever my sister is with me).

MOST INGENIOUS TRAVELER
QUALIFICATIONS:
Wearing Most Extra Clothes On Airplane (Instead Of Checking Luggage)
If you are a regular reader of my blog you know how this story goes. In the Olympics of my life, this one is worth an honorable mention again. The airlines was consistently losing my hideous lime green suitcase so I decided instead of packing my clothes I would try wearing all of them (brilliant, you say). You're right, it was a brilliant plan until I had to run through the airport padded like a polar bear and got all my clothes sweaty before the vacation even started. This event took planning, maneuvering and a little bit of acting skills. I would dare say that no one else has accomplished such a bold plan worthy of a Lamebrain Olympic award.

It has taken me a lifetime of practice and willingness to sacrifice all my dignity to qualify for The Lamebrain Olympics. My saving grace in this category is knowing that even lamebrains are fearfully and wonderfully made by a loving God, according to Psalm 139. We are all part of the body of Christ. Some people may be the muscles, some may be the brains, and others are the funny bone. Maybe I was born without common sense for a reason. God knew me before I was born and designed me with the sole purpose of being my best possible self. Whether I am the most awesome Olympian or the loopiest lamebrain, it won’t change the love God has for me. I was taught to earn a living, earn respect and earn a place in society. The Bible turns that philosophy on its head. I can’t earn—or lose—my place at the feet of the Father's throne. I may never earn any gold medals in this lifetime, but I will see streets of gold in heaven some day. That's a better reward than I can ever hope for here on earth.